this happened years back where i feel tat i dun belong in a clan... god knows which clan am i referring to.... i have been preety emotional over the lack of love from this clan of mine.... mom said i dun belong there... because most of the time when there were activities, i could not be there.. and hence the gap between us... those were all the past... after spm has passed, i have tried my very best to catch things up with my budz.... but it leads to no use.... although we are close, but the bond between me and them is incomparable to the bond they have among themselves... sometimes i wonder, why do i have to double the effort just to blend in?? when others dun even mind if they missed one gathering or two... why do i always have to be in every gathering to make sure i'm not left out ?? why do i have to tire myself to go thru all these ??? the answer is obvious... i want more affection and attention from u all.... once, one family member of mine (my second family) said that i am a nerd and tat nerds dun go along with this clan.. i know it was meant to nothing but the joke... but dunno why it actually hit me hard... the case here was, i feel the jab.. he was rite.. i was a nerd back then.. and so whenever they see me in their gatherings, they would give me the shocked look or the blur stare... i am trying so hard here to redeem myself... but now, come to think abt it... why am i doing all these for ??? as the years passed, i've seen much more and have grown to be immuned to it.. to the lack of bond between us all.... still i put a smile and continue to strive harder to be on par with the relationship u all have between u guys... and u know what.. when it comes to secret... i believe there are lots of it between u guys that i dun come to know.. unless i figure it myself... why wouldnt u guys tell me abt it ?? the worst scenario i've seen is... my fren told all her babes except me... there are lots more of similar scenarios which lead me to think i dun belong... recently, i said sumthing really wrong and had acidentally hurt my fren... i apologised for my "joke" but isnt it the way u guys used to talk between u guys?? i'm tired... i dun wanna tire myself anymore... i have been finding the courage to confess it or to express it to someone but i realise i have no1 to go to.. even when i start to let it all out, no 1 seems to be interested... so blogging can be considered of the great escape for me... i dun wan any comment for this post at all... because it's pathetic... from now on, i shall not organise anything and will just wait for a call from u... and i no longer look forward to my burfday.... do u know ?? among all my frenz, i realise i am the oni silly head.. because i always look forward to burfdays especially my own... it may seem like a "every year" thing and no longer serve as a special occasion to u all... but it is to me because for this one day, i am the spotlight... and it is probably the oni time i feel tat ppl will feel my existence... maybe i'm plain sensitive... well... i am not saying that my frenz dun love me.... but they just dun love me enuf... peace...
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