i envy u for having the world with u but not me

what's the meaning of friendship ?

in a little girl's point of view, it's abt playing together and jumping around..

once one of them pushes her down, she cries and cries non-stop..

the next thing u know, she is again playing with the others- happily...

in the eyes of a fifth grader, it's abt having sleepovers and going out with the family members of frenz..

once they do something wrong, like stepping on her brand new school shoes,

she will only say " I DUN FRIEND YOU LA"

but after a couple of days, there u have again,

them climbing on the hill behind their school.. racing to the top..

in the mind of a young lady, it's abt having that circle of frenz she love and trust with her..

laughing together, crying together...

she wishes tat the circle of frenz will never grow in size or decrease in number..

once one additional someone joins the group, it will never be the same because he/she has never bonded the way the rest did...

once the number decline, it will never be the same because they are losing one more heart to fill in with love and one more laughter to be heard..

but sadly, her biggest fear came true.. the clan that she's in is somehow "dead" and also her alliance clan is breaking apart..

it tore her heart apart and stimulated her water tap...

though she meets new friends every single day, the feeling is never the same..

the bond will never be like the one she calls "there's no other"

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i envy u for having the world with u but not me...

the world i meant is the world u and I together with the rest have created..

the one friendship we held on so tightly no matter how many conflicts we've been in together..

or should I say, I held on no matter how many tears i've shed and how long i've yearned for attention from everyone like the one u constantly get...

calls for a simple meal or even for a movie at the nearest cinema..

i've longed for those calls.. but it never came and i believe it never will...

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i stood up for someone i call my brother..

and because of that, i fought with another close fren whom i love and care for..

she never asked why and instantly in her mind, marked the "I'M SO PISSED RITE NOW"

she apologised but was it from the bottom of her heart, i never had time to ponder..

it broke my heart the moment she started a conversation with me saying "IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU DUN LIKE ABT ME, TELL ME URSELF"

she has never started a mutual conversation with me and when she did,

this was what i get..

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i never have enuf time for myself but i always put my frenz before me..

tell me u have a problem...

i will make sure that the least that i can do for u is lend u my ears..

i always get scolding from mom for not managing my time well enuf...

i can drive here and there to just pay frenz a visit...

but assignments never fail to be waiting for me back at home..

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though my mind keeps telling me, i'm doing it hoping for nothing in return..

but my hearts says " I WANT MORE LOVE FROM YOU ALL"

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a year has passed,

it's that time again...

where i wait and wait and wait for it to come...

because it's that only one time that I'm in the spotlight...

the outstanding one... the only actress with a script...

i wish for a happy ending...

but fate disappoints me again...

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i realise one thing...

they say TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE...

HAVING A BUNCH IS LIKE HAVING A STAR IN UR POCKET..

in my case, my sadness has affected the others..

first, my sole bestie who holds my darkest secret..

now has spread to all...

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i blame no 1 but myself for voicing out...

i will retreat if i am the cause of everything...

i will retreat if i am the bone sticking in one's throat...

i thank those who care...

i wish it was YOU...

someone told me,

"I AM SURE THEY STILL CARE.. THEY JUST DUN SHOW"

maybe.... but i'm tired to think about it already..

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i apologise to those i've neglected in the past...

putting oni this clan first in my list of priorities...

thank u cally for writing such a meaningful post for me...

thank u hoi seng for worrying about me and having sleepless night blaming yourself for not being able to help..

thank u ben for asking me "are u okay?"

thank u chin young for sending me the sudden message showing me how much u care...

thank u ken for reading my blog and asking me out this sunday (i will need to disappoint u)

thank u siong tat for still calling me your "BROTHER"

thank u kim hwo for hearing me out and ur present which u self-selected just for me...

thank u to joe for making me feel that our frenship is still mendable...

thank u kin lam for being strong and listening to my advice to stay strong.. makes me feel appreciated...

thank u roy (ken hin) for having lunch with me tat day although i wasn't in the mood..

thank u all who started a conversation with me offering me ur concern..

THANK YOU ~~ XIE XIE~~ KAM SIA~~ TERIMA KASIH~~ TOU JEH

and to those who knows about my gastric, be lighten up and worry not cos i'm eating normally with 3 meals in line...

i wont be going back to the doc for that-that's for sure..

been there thrice and done it thrice too..

i end this post with a phrase used by kim hwo everytime i tell him abt my prob..

LET BYGONE BE BYGONE